(no subject)

[monolike]

Being raised in the church isn't so bad.

Empyrean worship isn't as prevalent as before, even in the capital of Loegress, but the priests and attendants are all friendly and more importantly, it's safe. That's what they tell Sorey over and over, it's safe within the city, and he supposes it must be true. Sometimes he'll hear whispered stories when he's cleaning the pews, on his knees in the shadows as Brother Mathley and Brother Ferengard murmur, another village, did you hear, what a pity.

And though his heart longs for the outside world, as far back as he can remember, he's only seen the city walls. And the priests don't believe him when he tells them about the spirits; about the nice old kitty who tells him stories from when the mountains were still being born, about that man who could make the wind do as he wished. They were good spirits, Sorey could tell, but almost nobody could see them.

...nobody but Artorius.

He had only visited the capital once, with two other people. He was younger than the brothers but much older than Sorey, and he looked every inch the explorer Sorey wished he could be. Sorey had hidden behind the altar with the cat spirit as they spoke with High Priest Gideon, as he told them something about violence and nonsense before turning them away. Artorius (Sorey would learn his name much later) had seen him, looked at him and then, very deliberately, looked at the cat as well. Then he'd smiled and raised his finger to his lips before he and the others left.

"Don't associate with those types," Father Gideon had said to him, but Sorey knew, one day, he would join them.

The Scarlet Night happened, and now everyone could see monsters. And then it happened again, and everyone could see spirits. Artorius returned, Father Gideon welcomed him with open arms, and the moment Sorey turned seventeen he joined the Abbey's ranks. He'd practiced bowmanship and swordsmanship before at the church as a way to keep fit, but now his skills would be used to protect people, to kill daemons.

He would be given a malak, today, to use to those ends. And though it makes him feel a little deceitful, as Sorey pulls on and straightens his uniform for the ceremony, all he can think about is finally, finally leaving the city walls.

Comments

[monolike]

Now that he's staring at him, Sorey realizes he doesn't even know how he feels about all this. If Vahvuus really is more comfortable keeping their relationship professional, if he would prefer not to become friends with any humans. But does that mean he doesn't want to do this at all? Malakhim are made for this, aren't they?

Sorey swallows down his questions, lacing his fingers in his lap as Vahvuus stands uncomfortably before him. "You can see and hear everything I can, right? Even when you're inside me?"

[nerdeology]

Vahvuus tilts his head slightly, puzzled. Was he not aware of that? For what purpose is he confirming what he must already know? Or rather- why would it matter if his malak understands anything but commands? This human... he's so strange.

Well, it isn't like this is the first time he's asked odd questions. "Yes. For efficiency and the safety of their vessel, a malak is required to listen at all times to avoid forcing an exorcist to repeat an order."

Even if it wasn't required of him, what else is he supposed to do with his time? With that pulsing restraint in his mind and his soul tethered... what else is there?

[monolike]

"Then you heard what they told me. About-" Sorey clenches his hands in his lap, biting his lip as he glares down at his fists before looking back up at him, expression fierce. "Listen to me- I will never ask you to sacrifice yourself, never. I swear to you."

[nerdeology]

Behind the mask, the malak's brows furrow. That's the last thing he'd expected to hear. "It... isn't a sacrifice," he replies tentatively, "When nothing of value is lost."

It's what he knows to be true, what the weight on his soul tells him again and again. There aren't unlimited malakhim, but there are fewer exorcists with enough resonance to act as vessels. As a tool, he's prepared for the inevitable end he's likely to face. His life doesn't matter to him, so why should it matter to an exorcist?

[monolike]

"I disagree." The insidiousness of it is starting to make his stomach turn. It's so difficult to marry the idea of sacrificing his companion to save himself with the truly noble ideology of the Abbey, and by extension the church: to worship the Empyreans, the creators and governors of this world, and to protect the human race from the daemonblight. There's no greater cause than to give yourself over to the will of the gods to save others, isn't there?

Sorey hadn't joined up for any religious crusades, and he hadn't given his life over to the Abbey to save the world. He did it so that he could see the world, and so he could save as many people as he could along the way. You have a gift, the Fathers had told him, when everyone finally knew that the 'ghosts' he'd been seeing were real spirits. Were...like malakhim...

"I..." Sorey swallows, nodding to himself. If Vahvuus brings this to the Abbey there will be punishment. They'd never waste someone with resonance, but he would be given a stationary post in the capital, where they could keep an eye on him, and they would most certainly take Vahvuus away. But he can't- no, he won't allow Vahvuus to labor under the misunderstanding a moment longer. No matter what happens. "I don't agree with that assessment. You have value. You have value to me, but more importantly you have value to yourself." He lowers his head. "And it never was and never will be my position to determine what that value is. That includes sacrificing you to save myself."

[nerdeology]

A disquieting confusion passes over Vahvuus once more, and he ducks his head, wrestling with those words - the will of his master - and with the knowledge ingrained into his soul from the moment he gained awareness in this life. He's a tool- tools have no value. When the time comes he must be thrown away.

But he's not a tool, he's a partner. He has value because his master tells him he does.

"You have value to yourself."

But his worth is defined only by the continued life of the exorcist to whom he's tethered, because as long as the exorcist lives his own existence has meaning, and if he were to survive while the exorcist died then what good is he?

...why... why did he use the word "live"? Tools don't... tools aren't...

Obey, obey.

I'm trying.

I'm trying, but he...!

He blinks, coming back to himself in time to realize how his breath has become shaky, his heart pounding heavy in his chest. But... malakhim don't need to breathe, their heart serves no purpose like providing bloodflow as it might for humans. So why...?

Vahvuus lifts a hand to his chest, pressing it tightly against the fabric of his robe as if that might halt the strange, unexpected ache he's feeling. It makes no sense. None of it makes any sense at all.

"You... may be ordered," he murmurs, trying to regain some semblance of normalcy, reaching for the expected answer- anything to halt this clash occurring within him between what he knows and what he hears. "A superior may order you to use me in this manner. You cannot hesitate in battle, or- you'll die."

And that would be a failure on every level. Surely he, as the surviving malak, would be punished, even if the fault didn't lie with him. He'd at least be free of this conflict at last- his slate would be wiped clean, he'd be reassigned, and another exorcist would use him properly until he met his expected end. It would be fine. Maybe it would be better.

He'd be... no, he wouldn't... he'd feel...

...why does it hurt...?

[monolike]

It takes a lot of willpower not to reach for Vahvuus, not to drop the subject at that strained warble in his tone, at the way he clutches at his chest. Is Sorey hurting him by insisting like this? Is he being selfish? But the alternative, to tell Vahvuus that he is just a tool that Sorey will discard as any other exorcist should would be to lie.

No, this is the ring thing. This is the right thing to do, Sorey's sure of it. No living creature could want to be used like that.

"I won't die," Sorey promises, just in case his obligation is troubling him. "You're going to protect me, and I'll be protecting you. And if we get into a situation that's too dangerous, we'll run." It's idealistic to an extreme; if there are civilians in danger, Sorey can't just run, but in that case they'll just have to manage somehow.

[nerdeology]

He tries, struggles, wrestles with the contradiction over and over in his mind, and for a long series of moments he closes his eyes to block out the exorcist's earnest face, the unwavering promise he can see in that gaze. He'd like to take the vow at face value, believe that there won't be any sacrifices, but it sounds so idealistic and illogical. An inexperienced exorcist with an inexperienced malak, set to venture out into an unknown world to face daemons they've never fought before... and he is aware of the fact that people like Sorey in short supply, that humans with sufficient resonance to act as a vessel for his kind are rare even in a world where everyone can see them. It's very likely that some desperate situation will force Sorey's hand, and his life will be forfeited to spare the human standing before him.

In that moment, surely his words will mean nothing; just because he's saying it now doesn't mean he'll remember it later. A promise made to something so empty, so worthless, as a malak... it won't matter if it's broken. And who would know to judge him, with the only one who heard the promise already dead?

All of this... it only means that this exorcist might grieve a little for his sacrifice, might regret it, might even remember him from time to time after he's gone. But life goes on. He'll get another malak and the mission will continue. And next time, he'll know not to make that kind of promise.

With newfound understanding of his situation, Vahvuus relaxes his shoulders, opens his eyes, and nods at last. "If you command me to run, I will run with you. The choice will be yours in this, as with all others."

[monolike]

That's not even close to what he was getting at, and Vahvuus's utter inability to move past his duty is starting to make Sorey's skin crawl. What once felt so natural and wonderful, what once caused strength to pour into his veins and lifted his courage to hold before him as a shield is now, not even a full day out of the city, starting to bear down on him like a weight.

There's something terribly, horribly wrong with the balance between them, in that there is none. For whatever reason, Vahvuus is fighting against being treated as an equal, and the way he goes so deathly quiet and still whenever Sorey gently proposes the possibility is worrying all by itself. It's not even that it's that he hates the suggestion; it's more than he can't even comprehend it.

"...let's just get some sleep," Sorey murmurs, expression dark and troubled as he looks back into the fire. They'll still have to work together, fight together, if only to stay alive until he reaches his post.

[nerdeology]

Vahvuus hesitates, the first time he hasn't immediately obeyed a direct instruction from Sorey thus far, and instead studies the exorcist's face while he can, since he's not able to view it from within his vessel. His expression is obviously disturbed. The way he views malakhim, the way he seems to believe that they could matter, that their lives have any sort of importance... was he taught nothing at the Abbey? Did he forget? Or has his opinion changed since receiving one for himself? It's strange, nearly inexplicable. What is he supposed to do with this?

If his orders are conflicting with Sorey's personal beliefs, maybe he should keep them a secret. He doesn't want to cause problems that might make either of them come to harm in battle.

"...As you wish," he says quietly, before vanishing into Sorey and finding his corner, uncomfortable and confused as ever. That must be the right conclusion, now that he thinks about it: when this comes up again, he'll simply agree, if he's able. His first and foremost responsibility is to keep his exorcist safe. Even from himself, or from the truth, apparently.

[monolike]

Things don't necessarily get better, but they don't get any worse. After a night of terrible sleep, Sorey comes to a decision as he's kicking dirt over the ashes of last night's fire; the only thing he can do for now is to try and get Vahvuus to explore the world with him.

There seems to be a lot of things he doesn't know and he's not entirely sure he can believe the extent of the Abbey's cause after being instructed to kill his own partner if necessary, but one thing he does know is that the way Vahvuus's face had lit up upon seeing that fountain had been genuine, and it had been good. He needs to make that happen again.

After a few days of travel they come upon a stream, a beautiful burbling brook pouring into the valley from a nearby lake, a small waterfall ending in a pool just large enough for him to bathe in, and give his clothes a quick wash so he doesn't arrive in port smelling horribly, at least. Exorcists must always be presentable, after all, one of the rules he'd always found a little silly but nonetheless must obey.

"Vahvuus," he calls as he takes off his boots, then his gloves and tabard. "Would you like to get in the water with me?"

[nerdeology]

Vahvuus orbs out of Sorey as he's summoned, no longer surprised to be called out for non-combat conversations, but he doesn't respond right away. His gaze is fixed to the stream, watching quietly as the water flows by, off to explore places unknown. Something about it is... familiar, though he knows with great certainty that he's never been here before. It's a strange feeling, but he's beginning to learn how to process these moments the longer this goes on. It's less jarring than before, even if he still has no idea why they happen at all. The thought of familiarity found in a world he never existed in before meeting his exorcist is troublesome to parse. The implications are...

...no, better to not dwell. He takes a tentative step forward, his feet at the very edge of the water, not yet touching. "You have no objections?"

He's also learned to not question Sorey's concern for his wellbeing or his happiness - mostly, that is. Sometimes the human's behaviour is beyond comprehension and he has to ask questions. Here, he can see the logic. He's a water malak; it makes sense that he might take comfort in interacting with water. And in this case, Sorey's... not wrong. His fingers itch to reach out.

[monolike]

"Yeah, of course not," Sorey says, still unaccustomed to Vahvuus's timidity. He has to just keep plugging away at it, until Vahvuus gets more comfortable, until they get used to each other. Or that's what he tells himself every time he starts to doubt his methods. What else has he got to use, after all?

[nerdeology]

It's the answer Vahvuus expected, but he'd still waited for it anyway, not used to free will or the ability to utilize it. A wave of relief rushes through him when permission is granted, which does surprise him. He hadn't realized how badly he wanted it until just now. The desire had been quiet and distant, blocked off behind a mental wall with naught but a window to peer through. He'd ignored it for so long, but Sorey's presence and persistence in treating him like a person has brought the topside of it lower, brick by mental brick.

Exhaling softly, he steps forward and dips a single foot into the stream, feeling the water flow over his skin, fresh and clean. This area is teeming with malevolence just like the rest of the world, so he knows distantly that it's not the purest, but with Sorey's protective domain it's soothing to the touch. It feels like--

"Gramps, why does the spring never empty when it's flowing over the cliff like that?"

"It's replenished by mana, flowing through the presence of water seraphim in my domain into the earth around it. You can feel it, can't you?"

In a sudden rush that he barely even registers until after the fact, his feet kick off the stream's edge and he plunges without restraint into the water, submerging himself entirely, letting it swallow him up. He stays under for longer than he knows he ought to, eyes closed behind the mask, allowing himself to feel, truly feel it.

--like home.

[monolike]

Sorey finishes folding all his clothes onto the bank; Vahvuus's figure is just barely visible under the water, the pure white of his uniform and the silver-blue of his hair striking against the dark stones. Sorey wades a little deeper, shivering at the coolness of the water as he finds someplace good to crouch down and start washing up.

This is good, right? He's never been so enthusiastic about something before; even the fountain hadn't elicited that kind of response. Maybe connecting with his element will help him find a little bit more of himself.

[tsunergy]

Vahvuus doesn't know how long they have - how long he has to indulge his own whims - so he stays below for as long as he dares until finally surfacing, soaked from head to toe. He could summon it back into the water if he wished, or let it all run off of him like the feathers on a duck, but he likes the way it feels on his skin and in his hair. Sorey's still bathing not far off, so he swims closer, sitting down quietly and leaning back against the rock. The soft and steady way that the water flows by is so soothing; he can't remember ever feeling so calm.

Quietly, almost too quiet to be heard over the water, he murmurs, "Thank you for this."

Such a simple thing, and as the commanding exorcist, Sorey didn't have to. But he did- he noticed it's what Vahvuus wanted, and he allowed it. He really does believe that they're partners, doesn't he?

It's sweet. Sad, but sweet.

[monolike]

Trying to tell Vahvuus not to thank him for common courtesy never works out well, so Sorey just flashes him a grin, scrubbing his bar soap through his hair. "Anytime! If you ever see anything interesting you wanna check out, let me know, okay? I'll never get mad at you for asking." Baby steps and all.

[tsunergy]

The day of their first meeting, that sort of comment would have barely registered; some time ago, he might have questioned it, having learned that Sorey didn't punish or scold him for asking. Now? He just nods and accepts it as truth, so long as Sorey never proves otherwise. Knowing what he knows thus far, it's almost guaranteed.

He dips his hands in and out of the water, cupping it, then pressing it against his face and neck beneath the mask. He missed this. He doesn't know why, but he did. He must have done this before.

Shaking his head, he speaks up again, tentatively. "Do you... need any help?"

It's weird to ask - to even consider - since he's not really equipped to help with this sort of thing. Malakhim are built for combat and artes, not menial tasks or cleanup duty. But Sorey's always letting him do things he ought not to, or speak freely when he should keep silent.

[monolike]

Sorey's automatic response is to decline, but he stops himself before he can follow through, staring at Vahvuus. It's the first time he's ever volunteered for anything, so necessary or not Sorey would like to encourage it. "...sure, yeah. Um, do you mind washing my back? I can't really reach all the way."

[tsunergy]

Oh dear, he said yes. Vahvuus hesitates, feeling it out for a moment, and- no, once again, it doesn't register like an order. It's so strange, but he welcomes it, this... ability to accept it, or refuse. Is this how humans feel when they make choices?

He'd offered for a reason, though, so his choice is obvious, and with a smooth motion he rises from the water and moves towards his vessel. "I can do that," he murmurs, accepting the soap and standing behind Sorey to rub it and his hands over the bare, half-cleaned back. At least bathing is a simple task, one that requires no instruction, and since it involves water it's almost as naturally comforting as the swim he'd had minutes before.

Sorey's body is as alien to him as any human's, but his mind registers things he notices while cleaning- the rough and muscled skin, made strong from training, the sturdiness of the bones beneath, the way he tenses and relaxes when hands reach certain spots. How curious.

[monolike]

It's plenty strange; nobody's helped him wash since he was a very small child, so letting someone else do this is...kind of uncomfortable, but kind of not. After all, they're already connected in a way that's way more intimate than this, right? What's washing someone's back when you dwell in their soul?

Plus, if he's honest, it also feels kind of good. Sorey thrives off of physical affection, and since leaving behind his friends in the Abbey for his mission, he's been suffering a little from the lack of it. Not that it's noticeable or distracting, but just...he's missed it. Maybe he was even a little lonely without it. So as Vahvuus's fingers light across his back, as his palms dig in Sorey relaxes and lets his head dip forward a little.

He turns his head to see just beneath the edge of Vahvuus's mask, and- wait a minute, is that his mouth? Does he have a face under there? Unable to stop himself in his curiosity, Sorey reaches up with a couple fingers to hook them under the lip of the mask, intent on pulling it up just a little to get a closer look...

[tsunergy]

The response is subtle but immediate- Vahvuus tilts his head upwards, shifting back, so any lift of Sorey's fingers has no effect. There's a soft, startled exhale of breath on Sorey's hand, confirming that it is, indeed, a mouth.

Surprised by his own knee-jerk reaction, he fumbles to find an explanation. It's the first time he's actively resisted anything Sorey's said or done, and in that sense, it's disturbing.

But... he's not... supposed to take it off, is he...?

"I..." His throat feels oddly parched, and he licks his lips, strangely uneasy. "Do you want it removed?"

He can't think of a reason why that would be necessary, and he has no particularly valid reason why it can't happen. And if the exorcist orders it, he has no choice.

It's just... ingrained. Don't take it off. Don't show your face to them. No one wants to see it, anyway.

No one wants to think that you're...

[monolike]

Sorey falters once Vahvuus jerks back, hand lowering. He hadn't wanted to command his partner like a thing, but that really is the first time Vahvuus had ever knowingly resisted him. Was it something he did? Something he said?

"Not if you don't want me to," Sorey answers uncertainly, though he's not sure how Vahvuus will respond to that given his already shaky understanding of his own wants and desires. Does he need a command one way or the other? Which is the correct decision?

[tsunergy]

Vahvuus hesitates again, unsure of the right answer to that one. He can't remember the last time he wasn't wearing the mask. ...No, he can't remember ever not wearing it. So whether or not he wanted it was irrelevant, as it's never factored in before. It doesn't matter, right? Sorey might not understand it, but he knows that his own feelings aren't supposed to matter.

Although... his gaze drifts down to the water. It would be nice to feel it on his skin again. If he didn't have to wear it... if it was gone, he could...

Tentatively, he speaks up again. "The Abbey put it on me before I was given to you. I'm not aware of the rules, and I... I don't... there could be consequences."

He's not sure what he wants, but he doesn't want to cause his exorcist any trouble. Surely his own comfort isn't worth that.

[monolike]

They Abbey, again. So Vahvuus didn't have it as part of himself, it was something the Abbey put on him. But why? The uniforms, he understands, but why a mask? "Do you not want it on?" Sorey asks quietly.